Feel the Pain! . . . of waiting

I don't think I've ever wished to feel pain, but I have definitely gone to bed the last few nights hoping to be woken up by painful or even uncomfortable contractions.  During the days I walk and walk and hope to feel something different, but so far nothing.  I am hoping that tonight the full moon will do its thing and my labor will start.  We will see. :) 

I didn't expect this to be so hard, at least not until I was actually in active labor, but this build up and waiting is tough.  There is a lot of pressure and fear involved.  I am already having to fight the battle of giving up control to the Lord and trusting His timing and His way of bringing little Quinn into the world.  This is not about fitting her birth into ours or other peoples schedules, but it's hard not to feel some pressure.  (For example, my sister is in town but has to leave Sunday, Jeff's mom is flying out of town Wednesday, and Jeff is in a wedding next weekend- of course I thought I'd have a 10 day old baby by then.)

I have also been upset about my appointment on Wednesday with one of the midwives, my least favorite of the three, and having her bring up induction, asking "how long do you want to wait?"  I mean, I guess it's a good question, but why was she asking me just a few days after my "due date" when the other midwife didn't expect me to even have the baby until the 15th anyway.  Isn't this why I chose to use the midwifery model of care?  If a due date is really just the bell-curve midpoint of the whole month (38-42 weeks) that women typically give birth, then why would I want to induce before 42 weeks (assuming non-stress tests and fluid levels show that the baby doing well)?  Granted, they are allowing me more time than a typical doctor would, but I think it was the way that she brought it up that has really been stressing me out.  It is disappointing.  I think the other midwives would have approached it differently or at a later date and I wouldn't feel this panic.  Luckily I have my wonderful friend Ashleigh as my Doula and she has been so supportive to talk to after these appointments when I am feeling discouraged.  Jeff is also completely supportive and on the same page as me.  I am so lucky that he understands and has educated himself on natural childbirth. 

I agreed to do a non-stress test today and again on Tuesday along with a sonogram to check fluid levels.  The test today looked great so the midwife was not worried at all.  If the tests Tuesday are okay then I can wait until I am 42 weeks to be induced.  Even then I was reassured that I could be started on some Pitocin to get me going and then taken off and still move around and get in the tub, etc.  I just know that Pit increases the intensity and pain and usually leads to needing an epidural and being "chained" to the bed.  I DO NOT want this for my birth or my baby.  I so badly want and believe in having a natural birth.  I am praying so hard that she comes before then.  And of course that is over a week away anyway, so I shouldn't even be worrying about this until next week.  So, I am trying to write about it and let it go- give up control, surrender, trust.  Please pray for us that Quinn will come soon.

My sister is in town and keeping me from going completely insane.  Today it was soooo hot so we went to Target and walked laps around the store.  :)  We actually went for the Trader Joe's grand opening day and it was SO incredibly packed that we couldn't actually buy anything but we got to look at the awesome new store and I am so excited to shop there.  Also, this morning we went to "Urban Arts and Crafts" and I got some Amy Butler fabric to make into curtains for the nursery!  I have never made curtains but I am determined to figure it out.  :)

Here is the fabric: