Thoughts

I'm still trying to figure out the baby registry and the colors for the nursery.  If there is one things that I am bad at it's making decisions.  When you are having your first baby there are A LOT of decisions.  It reminds me of when Jeff and I went to register at Target several weeks ago.  We were walking around, what felt like aimlessly walking around, feeling overwhelmed as usual, and I said "Shouldn't someone be doing this with us, telling us what to get."  We have no schema for these types of items, nor do we know what our baby will like.  Even with all of the advice I have gotten from friends and all of the research I have done, it turns out everyone has their own opinion and they are mostly all different.  Why are there 15 different types of pacifiers?  Is it just to make my head spin?  I suppose that whatever we get will be fine, but my problem with making decisions is that I always come back to my theory that there has to be a BEST choice.  I need to know what that best choice is!  But, unfortunately, you don't know what you don't know.

This is the same problem I am having with nursery colors.  I have all of these ideas but I can't make them all happen.  So what are the best ideas, and which go together.  This part is so hard for me.  I've been given a blank slate and I really want to be creative and make this room special and artsy and unique.  And I want to be the one who designed and put it together.  It's a lot of pressure that I am putting on myself.  And so, the room remains, a blank slate.  

And then there is the name decision!  The most important decision of all.  Yikes!  We have essentially two names in the running currently.  Harper Elliana, Quinn Elliana.  I would say that Elliana will be the middle name for sure, it means "the Lord has responded".  Jeff still likes Harper the best and I still like it too but am having trouble getting over the word "harp" sometimes being used as "to nag", or "to dwell on something".  I heard it used on TV in this way "You are really harping on this, you are kind of a harper" and I heard a friend use it the other day "I hate to harp on this but . . ."  And maybe there is another, better name out there.  But what is it?  :)

I also have to make a decision about getting a 3D ultrasound done so that we can be sure that we are in fact having a baby girl.  I am leaning toward yes, because if it came out a boy, I think he would feel like a stranger.  I've been bonding with my baby girl all of this time, I would be so confused.  Plus he would have A LOT of pink hats and clothes to wear.

Baby girl, as you are bouncing around in my stomach I am reflecting on the moment I found out I was pregnant with you.  I am thinking of my excitement and anticipation as I watched that faint plus sign appear, as I looked at it in disbelief and called to your daddy asking "That is a plus sign, right?!"  The surreal feeling of minutes later meeting up with Eric and Stephanie to walk the dogs, but keeping you a secret.  Then driving up to CVS on Main St. and having to get the male police officer to open the case where the pregnancy tests are locked up (because apparently they get stolen a lot).  My rush to drive home and take that second test, and my relief and confirmed joy at seeing another plus sign.  Then meeting Brooke and Ryan at First Fridays and standing outside while Jeff went into the crowded art gallery to tell Brooke to go outside and talk to me.  I remember telling Brooke and jumping up and down squealing like little girls.  

I am still in awe when I look in the mirror and see a pregnant lady staring back at me.  "Is this really true?" I sometimes think.  "How can this be?"  It seems like a dream.  I can not believe this miracle inside of me is happening.  This growing and unfolding of life.  How am I so blessed to embody this life?  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

24 Weeks! That's like 6 months!

"Your baby's growing steadily, having gained about 4 ounces since last week. That puts him at just over a pound. Since he's almost a foot long (picture an ear of corn), he cuts a pretty lean figure at this point, but his body is filling out proportionally and he'll soon start to plump up. His brain is also growing quickly now, and his taste buds are continuing to develop. His lungs are developing 'branches' of the respiratory 'tree' as well as cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help his air sacs inflate once he hits the outside world. His skin is still thin and translucent, but that will start to change soon."

Entering into Lent

I have really enjoyed the season of Lent the last couple of years.  I have never been in a church that so fully embraces the season.  I am so blessed to be a part of Jacob's Well.  This community finds incredible ways to worship and push into each season through God's word, music, art, community fasting, sharing a meals, sacred spaces . . .

Last year our "theme" at JW was Lament.  This year Lent has started with us asking the questions:  Can these dry bones live? and Is the Lord with us?

At our Ash Wednesday service the Lord spoke to me when we read a confession together.  Part of it said:  "Heavenly Father, we acknowledge and confess that we are more ready to resent than to forgive, more ready to manipulate than to serve . . . more ready to fear than to love, more ready to doubt then to believe . . . Forgive us for distrusting your love, forgive us for not receiving your gift of grace, forgive us our numbness, forgive us our lack of concern, forgive us our denial, forgive us our fear driven choices, forgive us our hidden hate . . . forgive us our inability to let go."

Despite my unending joy at being pregnant, I am feeling called to go into this difficult place and process through my inability and unwillingness to forgive my mom.  I am excited to see where God takes me on this journey.  I have hope that I will come out on the other end redeemed, healthier, and more prepared to raise my daughter.
  
"Grace doing what I cannot do, and I cannot ascend to God but He will descend to me." 

A Holy Experience

This is becoming my favorite blog.  Thank you Ashleigh for introducing it to me through your blog.

Her writing is so beautiful and real.  Read this short post to get a taste. 

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/03/lamb-mothers-and-amazing-grace/

"This moment isn’t a forever grace but amazing grace."

Good Morning

Good morning,
Good morning,
It's great to stay up late.
Good morning
Good morning,
To you.

Good morning,
Good morning,
We've danced the whole night through.
Good morning
Good morning,
To you.

Good morning Ozark,
Good morning Bosco,
Good morning baby girl.
Good morning
Good morning,
To you.

23 Weeks

"Turn on the radio and sway to the music. With her sense of movement well developed by now, your baby can feel you dance. And now that she's more than 11 inches long and weighs just over a pound (about as much as a large mango), you may be able to see her squirm underneath your clothes. Blood vessels in her lungs are developing to prepare for breathing, and the sounds that your baby's increasingly keen ears pick up are preparing her for entry into the outside world. Loud noises that become familiar now — such as your dog barking or the roar of the vacuum cleaner — probably won't faze her when she hears them outside the womb."

This is great, because I was totally dancing to my Frank Sinatra record this morning after I got out of the shower.  :)

Lullabies

Baby girl,
I wanted to let you know that your father is upstairs playing and singing "God of Wonders" on his guitar.  I turned the TV off so we could listen to him down here.  He is a wonderful man and already loves you so much.  I can't wait for him to sing you lullabies when you go to sleep.

Which reminds me that for years I have been thinking of how I would sing Bing Crosby's lullaby from "White Christmas" to you.

When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings

Worship

Baby girl, 

This morning you were dancing to the worship music at church.  It filled me with joy to feel you moving.  You continued your praise during the sermon and communion.  I thought of Christ's body and blood nourishing not just me, but you as well.  You are the daughter of an amazing King.  He knows you perfectly.  He made you in his image.  I can't wait to see you grow in your relationship with Him.  

Later in the day, with my ipod on shuffle, Acres of Hope, by Shane and Shane came on.  I loved this song in college, a beautiful picture of how the Lord pursues me, and how He will pursue you. 

He will allure her
He will pursue her
And call her out
To wilderness with flowers in His hand
She is responding
Beat up and hurting
Deserving death
But offerings of life are found instead


She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope


Here in the valley
Walk close beside me
Don’t look back
For love is growing vineyards up ahead
You have called me master
And though you’re in the dark here
Call me friend
And call me lover and marry me for good


How the story ends is
Love and tenderness in Him
Not safe, but worth it
So the valley’s up ahead
Or the ones we live
We’ll sing together
We’ll sing together


“Lord, sustain me in the valley. Give me ears to hear Your sweet tender voice and lead me in to acres of hope in this dry and weary land.”
"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. ‘In that day,’ declares the LORD,’you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master. (Hosea 2:14-16)

 

Here is the last song we sung at church today, one of my favorites.  Although it is about God and us, I thought of you and how I would never leave you and always love you.

You ask me will I stay,
Where would I go.
You ask me will I stay,
Where would I go.
You ask me will I stay,
Where would I go.
Your words,
They are eternal life.


You ask me will I love you,
I love you.
You ask me will I love you,
I love you.
You ask me will I love you,
I love you.
Your words,
They are eternal life.

And then I found 5 dollars.

Alas, I realize that I am no blogger, but I did write a note on Facebook last night that I will post below. It represents a few musings I had this weekend on parenthood and people in general. Hopefully one day I will have a conversation with our girl and explain to her how she should not be so judgmental towards people, because they probably feel the same way about her:

"If you have never been to the Independence Mall, once you walk in it feels like you are walking into a spaceship primed for invasion. In fact, if you can picture Will Smith flying into the spaceship in Independence Day (no pun intended), that is pretty much what it feels like inside. It is probably one of the last remaining successful indoor malls around, and within it's walls on any given weekend are literally thousands of people, mostly pimply teenagers making out in corners. I went on Sunday with Maria to look for maternity clothes (which was an adventure all by itself), and was completely overwhelmed by the teenage angst and Dale Earnhardt engraved bare skin.

As I stood by the wall holding two cinnamon and sugar Auntie Ann's pretzels, waiting for Maria to emerge from Dillards, I found myself judging every person that walked by me. Some might call this "people watching", but I'll call it what it is: an exercise in personal validation and self-worth. I'm not proud of it, but I did it. I kept thinking to myself that these mall executives have gotten something right. They throw up their Popsicle stand and everyone just comes to buy a bunch of crap, mostly stuff they don't need. "Look at them all", I say to myself. "They are like robots. People tell them what they need to come and spend money on and they do it. Then the guy who created all of this takes that trip to Switzerland he was looking forward to because a hundred more people spent money on an Orange Julius this month than last month".

They come to buy their snuggies, their cute black purses, and their oversized jeans with lavishly embroidered back pockets. I think that they also come because they don't know what else to do. They come because it's Sunday, and this is what they do on Sunday afternoons.

I begin to think that I've got this thing figured out. I can now break away from this distopian reality before it's too late. All I have to do is figure out what my proverbial Popsicle stand will sell, and I am free to exploit the masses. I won't be a pawn, I will beat them at their own game!

And that is when it hits. I am the one standing by the wall, holding in my hands two excellent examples of impulsive buying behavior. Exactly the behavior, mind you, that the demonized mall executives are counting on. While I am dreaming of escape and judging my fellow mall sufferers, they are doing the same thing to me. "Look at this idiot standing by the wall with TWO PRETZELS. I can actually see this guy getting fatter, the cinnamon and sugar are absorbing into his fingertips and going straight to his buttcheeks. He isn't even eating the pretzels, he's just standing there staring blankly into space!"

The moral of my story is that I think everyone should not go to the mall this next weekend, and should instead go for a hike. Also I think that everyone should try to break out of their mold at least once this week. Good luck!"

22 Weeks!

     " At 11 inches (the length of a spaghetti squash) and almost 1 pound, your baby is starting to look like a miniature newborn. His lips, eyelids, and eyebrows are becoming more distinct, and he's even developing tiny tooth buds beneath his gums. His eyes have formed, but his irises (the colored part of the eye) still lack pigment. If you could see inside your womb, you'd be able to spot the fine hair (lanugo) that covers his body and the deep wrinkles on his skin, which he'll sport until he adds a padding of fat to fill them in. Inside his belly, his pancreas — essential for the production of some important hormones — is developing steadily."

 

This is so me.  My third graders keeps teasing me about having "baby brain" because I am so forgetful and sometimes say things wrong.  (But I am not sure I was really that much better before the baby.)  :)

Tap Dancing and Bubbles

Today the most amazing thing happened.  It started with the feeling of bubbles popping inside my stomach while I was making copies of reading logs.  I  thought that I was feeling my baby girl moving, but I didn't want to get my hopes up, so I made a conscience effort to pay very close attention to these feelings.  They happened sporadically throughout the day.  I called Jeff to tell him that I though I could feel her but he didn't answer the phone.  After the kids left for the day I was sitting at my computer when I knew for sure I felt her.  She was kicking over and over in the same spot.  I stopped what I was doing and put my hand on my stomach.  I could feel her!!  I could feel the tapping on the palm of my hand.  I called Jeff with tears in my eyes to tell him.  Jeff was amazed and excited and told me to keep her going so he could feel her when he got home from work.  As I was on the phone with him I pulled up my shirt and watched and could actually see the little taps pushing out my skin.  

This is the most incredible thing I have ever felt.  What a blessing that I get to experience my baby in this way.  To see her grow, to feel her move . . . I don't deserve this kind of grace and goodness.


When Jeff got home we took the dogs for a walk.  After we got back I sat down for a while and I started feeling her again.  I lifted up my shirt to watch and yelled to Jeff.  He was amazed- we could see the movements! He gently put his hand on my stomach to feel her taps.  We sat for a moment in the quiet, me teary-eyed and him eyes wide, mouth open in awe.

I am a nest.
Round, warm
moist
protective
nourishing
hatching
and growing
a young life.
Providing comfort
security, love
and shelter.
To you I give of me
and you
miraculous little one
are already able to give so much to us.
Tonight we sit
laughing as you
tell us jokes with your
kicks and prods.
Your movement has changed from butterflies to Luna moths
and now to kicks that Papa can feel, too.
Our faces spread into smiles as my belly and our hands
feel your presence.
We are a family.

 (poem from Mothering Magazine, no author listed)

Sonogram Pictures!

I am really late in posting these!  

I was afraid to try to use the scanner but I figured it out. :)

Here is our first sonogram at just 8 weeks.  

The red part is where the heart was beating.

 

Here is our 18 week sonogram where the sonographer sent me into a panic by saying "It looks like a girl, but don't paint the room."

Luckily I am feeling much more content these days about assuming that it is a baby girl and not worrying about the "maybe".

l