My soul finds rest in God alone…
I read this on a friend's email this morning and it struck me, my soul is NOT at rest, my heart and mind are NOT at rest. I am a mess. I feel crazy, out of control, obsessive. I know that some of this is normal because of where I am at in my pregnancy, some of it is hormones maybe, and some of it is just me and what I always fight and struggle with. But I am not at rest, and I do not feel connected with God, and I am not able to embrace and enjoy these last weeks of pregnancy like I want to. Ever since school got out my mind has been more free to obsess and worry. I really struggle with obsessing about money, about wastefulness when it comes to things and money. I am also so scared for what this "stay at home mom" thing looks like. What it will feel like to me. Right now being at home I am always missing Jeff, waiting for him to get home, becoming restless even if I have things to do, feeling trapped at home. I am afraid of not being able to handle being at home all the time. I know it's what I've always wanted, it's what we want for our kids, it could be so so good for our family, it's what we've planned for, and I have support and resources.
I am also just so scared of bringing home this baby in a few short weeks. My due date is 3 weeks away, that makes me want to throw up. I am SO excited to go into labor and give birth. I feel mostly ready for this, although I have not read all the books I wanted to or practiced like I could have, I feel that my body will know what to do. And maybe this is what happens after the baby comes out, parental instincts or something will kick in and we will know what to do. But right now I feel like I have NO IDEA what we are supposed to do with this child when she comes out! And this is my frustration with all of this baby stuff and trying to figure out what we need and what we don't need, and what is the best product, because: I. Just. Don't. Know.
And I haven't even gotten very far into the baby books yet! Where I will face even more opinions and have to make more decisions, important decisions, about how to do sleeping and eating, etc. And I hate making decisions. And there are so many decisions, big and small, to make right now. Actually, they are probably all pretty small decisions at this point but they all feel so BIG. And I can not seem to let go of it, to open up my hands and let go. I could write forever, but I am obsessing again. I just needed to vent and try to let go. How do I find peace and rest in God, what does this look like practically? What steps do I take to get out of my obsessing?
I will be praying for peace for you and I hope that you can take some time to do something restful and recharging for yourself in these next couple weeks! Trust me that time home with the baby flies by. In the first 3 months especially, I looked back at my days a lot and thought, where did it go and what have I done today. Many days, the answer was simply feeding and holding Eli...it's amazing how much time that alone can take, haha, and it's the best way to spend the day! Or for me, just planning one outing or activity to do worked well because it was good to get up and about, but not so much that I got overwhelmed.
ReplyDeleteYou will want to get out of the house at times, but my best advice is to find a couple places you feel comfortable going out where you can feed Quinn at, this will greatly reduce your stress level when going out and help you not feel stuck in the house or like you have to rush back to feed her.
Even if you don't know everything...you will (and do) know how to love your baby girl. Newborns really don't need much, so just try to focus on one thing (decision) at a time when the time comes to deal with that one thing. Trying to deal with everything all at once is a recipe for disaster...trust me, i've tried! All you need to do is hold and feed Quinn and change her diapers...the rest will happen on its own. If you have any questions or just need to vent please don't hesitate to email or call anytime!