A Dream!

A few nights ago, I had a dream that Maria went into labor suddenly, and I had no idea what to do. I started having a panic attack, and I forgot if we were supposed to go the hospital or not, or if we could just stay in bed. I don't think I knew what a hospital even was, all I knew was that things were about to get real messy, real quick, if I didn't do something.

Finally I woke up in a rush of sweat and anxiety. Whew! I made it through my first traumatic nightmare involving live birth. I had no time recover however, because immediately after I awoke, I found Maria experiencing the onslaught of a crippling leg-cramp. She starts moaning and whimpering and writhing around in the bed, and then she grabs my hand, squeezes and yells "Accept the pain!!!!".

Let's just say that I am still recovering a week later.

Wedding and Gifts

Here are some pictures of me at 25 weeks when Jeff and I were in Chris and Nia's wedding!

Two friends have given us cloth diapers.  What a blessing!  I never knew I would get soooo excited about diapers!  Look how cute they are!

Here are some of baby gifts that my students have given me over the past couple of months.  My kids are so sweet!

26 Weeks!

"The network of nerves in your baby's ears is better developed and more sensitive than before. He may now be able to hear both your voice and your partner's as you chat with each other. He's inhaling and exhaling small amounts of amniotic fluid, which is essential for the development of his lungs. These so-called breathing movements are also good practice for when he's born and takes that first gulp of air. And he's continuing to put on baby fat. He now weighs about a pound and two-thirds and measures 14 inches (an English hothouse cucumber) from head to heel."

 Saying hello to baby sister!

Thoughts

I'm still trying to figure out the baby registry and the colors for the nursery.  If there is one things that I am bad at it's making decisions.  When you are having your first baby there are A LOT of decisions.  It reminds me of when Jeff and I went to register at Target several weeks ago.  We were walking around, what felt like aimlessly walking around, feeling overwhelmed as usual, and I said "Shouldn't someone be doing this with us, telling us what to get."  We have no schema for these types of items, nor do we know what our baby will like.  Even with all of the advice I have gotten from friends and all of the research I have done, it turns out everyone has their own opinion and they are mostly all different.  Why are there 15 different types of pacifiers?  Is it just to make my head spin?  I suppose that whatever we get will be fine, but my problem with making decisions is that I always come back to my theory that there has to be a BEST choice.  I need to know what that best choice is!  But, unfortunately, you don't know what you don't know.

This is the same problem I am having with nursery colors.  I have all of these ideas but I can't make them all happen.  So what are the best ideas, and which go together.  This part is so hard for me.  I've been given a blank slate and I really want to be creative and make this room special and artsy and unique.  And I want to be the one who designed and put it together.  It's a lot of pressure that I am putting on myself.  And so, the room remains, a blank slate.  

And then there is the name decision!  The most important decision of all.  Yikes!  We have essentially two names in the running currently.  Harper Elliana, Quinn Elliana.  I would say that Elliana will be the middle name for sure, it means "the Lord has responded".  Jeff still likes Harper the best and I still like it too but am having trouble getting over the word "harp" sometimes being used as "to nag", or "to dwell on something".  I heard it used on TV in this way "You are really harping on this, you are kind of a harper" and I heard a friend use it the other day "I hate to harp on this but . . ."  And maybe there is another, better name out there.  But what is it?  :)

I also have to make a decision about getting a 3D ultrasound done so that we can be sure that we are in fact having a baby girl.  I am leaning toward yes, because if it came out a boy, I think he would feel like a stranger.  I've been bonding with my baby girl all of this time, I would be so confused.  Plus he would have A LOT of pink hats and clothes to wear.

Baby girl, as you are bouncing around in my stomach I am reflecting on the moment I found out I was pregnant with you.  I am thinking of my excitement and anticipation as I watched that faint plus sign appear, as I looked at it in disbelief and called to your daddy asking "That is a plus sign, right?!"  The surreal feeling of minutes later meeting up with Eric and Stephanie to walk the dogs, but keeping you a secret.  Then driving up to CVS on Main St. and having to get the male police officer to open the case where the pregnancy tests are locked up (because apparently they get stolen a lot).  My rush to drive home and take that second test, and my relief and confirmed joy at seeing another plus sign.  Then meeting Brooke and Ryan at First Fridays and standing outside while Jeff went into the crowded art gallery to tell Brooke to go outside and talk to me.  I remember telling Brooke and jumping up and down squealing like little girls.  

I am still in awe when I look in the mirror and see a pregnant lady staring back at me.  "Is this really true?" I sometimes think.  "How can this be?"  It seems like a dream.  I can not believe this miracle inside of me is happening.  This growing and unfolding of life.  How am I so blessed to embody this life?  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

24 Weeks! That's like 6 months!

"Your baby's growing steadily, having gained about 4 ounces since last week. That puts him at just over a pound. Since he's almost a foot long (picture an ear of corn), he cuts a pretty lean figure at this point, but his body is filling out proportionally and he'll soon start to plump up. His brain is also growing quickly now, and his taste buds are continuing to develop. His lungs are developing 'branches' of the respiratory 'tree' as well as cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help his air sacs inflate once he hits the outside world. His skin is still thin and translucent, but that will start to change soon."

Entering into Lent

I have really enjoyed the season of Lent the last couple of years.  I have never been in a church that so fully embraces the season.  I am so blessed to be a part of Jacob's Well.  This community finds incredible ways to worship and push into each season through God's word, music, art, community fasting, sharing a meals, sacred spaces . . .

Last year our "theme" at JW was Lament.  This year Lent has started with us asking the questions:  Can these dry bones live? and Is the Lord with us?

At our Ash Wednesday service the Lord spoke to me when we read a confession together.  Part of it said:  "Heavenly Father, we acknowledge and confess that we are more ready to resent than to forgive, more ready to manipulate than to serve . . . more ready to fear than to love, more ready to doubt then to believe . . . Forgive us for distrusting your love, forgive us for not receiving your gift of grace, forgive us our numbness, forgive us our lack of concern, forgive us our denial, forgive us our fear driven choices, forgive us our hidden hate . . . forgive us our inability to let go."

Despite my unending joy at being pregnant, I am feeling called to go into this difficult place and process through my inability and unwillingness to forgive my mom.  I am excited to see where God takes me on this journey.  I have hope that I will come out on the other end redeemed, healthier, and more prepared to raise my daughter.
  
"Grace doing what I cannot do, and I cannot ascend to God but He will descend to me." 

A Holy Experience

This is becoming my favorite blog.  Thank you Ashleigh for introducing it to me through your blog.

Her writing is so beautiful and real.  Read this short post to get a taste. 

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/03/lamb-mothers-and-amazing-grace/

"This moment isn’t a forever grace but amazing grace."