Today I laid in bed, as I do many mornings, in a half sleep thinking, dreaming about having a son, having a baby in my belly, or adopting. I feel that ache that makes my eyes well up with tears, in so many emotions: excitement, frustration, impatience, joy and worship...
What I know is that I am ready to be a mommy. What I know is that I desire to have morning sickness, to get huge, to be up all night with him. To teach him everyday though amazingly illustrated children's books, kitchen messes, and out in nature, as I imagine Jeff's mom doing with him when he was young and learned about different types of soil at rest stops on family vacations! I know all of this comes with hardships and grief and a complete change in life and identity. I also know that I won't fully understand that until I am in that place, and right now I am grieving in a different way. Right now I am grieving this overwhelming heart's desire to adopt, and yet Jeff does not have that desire. All I can do is pray for God to put it on his heart if we are meant to adopt someday. I am grieving trying to get pregnant for the last 10 months, only to go through a cycle of excitement and hope, to crushing disappointment, every month. I am grieving having to worry that I might never have a huge belly, I might never get to experience the immense joy and pain of childbirth.
BUT You Lord, make beautiful things, and You are making me new everyday, You are making Jeff new everyday, You are preparing us to be parents. You will be faithful as you always are, "Out of chaos life is being found in You".
Thank you for sharing! I will keep your family in my prayers. Adoption was always Aaron's first choice and it took me a little while to come around, but now I can't imagine starting our family any other way. Your path will become clear. Hang in there.
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